Recently I sent a pilot study to some of my old teammates. I received a ton of great responses and helpful feedback, which made me really excited for the upcoming master's project research I'll be doing. It's going to be a long haul this winter, but I have to keep reminding myself that it will be worth it. I want it to mean something to at least one person, and already I'm pretty sure that has happened.
I've also had a great running week--filled with runs where I just felt strong, runs that I was able to enjoy the fall sunsets/sunrises (!), and runs that just needed to happen as a mental break. In the midst of all the dimensions of things I'm attempting to "get together" these days, I always am able to think clearer and more creatively while running. Running buddies and endorphins help, too! Lately I've been thinking about how unsettled and unfocused I've been this semester. But somehow on runs I'm always put at ease and often come up with interesting ideas, too. I truly believe that God works in a variety of ways to get our attention and help us wake up from going through the motions. Personally, God speaks to me most often through training because I am less distracted and more willing to listen than during the other parts of my day.
While I've been so uncertain and indecisive about, well, most things in life, I've also been feeling like I have to do everything right throughout my day. The rigid plans I make, and the continual failure to actually follow through with a set schedule keeps dragging me down. I make excuses and just get distracted so easily. "Follow through" has been a popular thought as well. I just never feel like I'm content or doing my best at trying to balance a lot of different roles. But what do I do? Take on more!
This is by no means an entry that will make a lot of sense, and maybe I will look back on it and think how dumb I was in retrospect. But I'm going to throw out the thought that since so much of what I'm doing right now seems uncertain, scattered, wishy-washy, whatever...all these commitments and roles I'm taking on are really just pilot studies. I still don't know what I want to do with my life, and I know that is just fine. But I'm on the right track (pun?) by trying to gain experience in a lot of different sport settings. Emphasis: a LOT. Between school, my assistantship, working, coaching, and training, not to mention all the people who have influenced me and who I interact with every day, it's pretty safe to say I've had a well-rounded education. Is it possible to be too well-rounded? (figuratively speaking, of course...not trying to put on any pounds this winter!)
So all these "pilot" experiences...what am I trying to get out of them? What's the point of dabbling in so many different things, yet not feel like I have an expertise in anything specific? The best answer I can think of is that everything I've been part of recently has been really good, or at least helpful with making me realize what I like and don't like...and what I'm good at and not-so-good at. It may be too early to tell, but I hope that I'm on my way to figuring out what I really want to do because of the things I've taken on this year. I also need to recognize that every job will have parts to it that I will not enjoy doing, and that even if I'm not good at something, I should want to improve at whatever that might be. I yearn to be at my best with everything I do, but maybe my failure to follow through is the Spirit's way of telling me that I'm not relying on God nearly enough.
While I commend people who know what they want and stick with it, I've settled on the idea that my inefficient route of trial and error is how God is leading me. I shouldn't speculate like that, but looking at my life right now, I don't know what else to think. In essence, my day-to-day life has become a smattering of pilot studies. However, I think each of these experiences will shape me into the person I strive to become. I have many faults, and I know no one is perfect or ever will be perfect. But at the core, I have the desire to grow and learn and ultimately impact others. So really, I'm just searching for the best avenue that God wants me to take for fulfilling that purpose. That's really what life is about, anyway! Easier said than done, obviously, but it's amazing how freeing it is to keep all these day-to-day worries in perspective. It's not about me, after all. If I consistently told myself "it's not about you" throughout the day, I wonder how much different I would think/communicate/act!
With that, I'm thankful for all these opportunities. I have been learning to say no to some things and recognize that I can't do everything, and I especially can't do everything well. Am I crazy for taking on so much? Quite possibly. But I'm really not worried, and I'm confident that God will show me the right way(s).
With that, I'm off to run a spontaneous little road race--11k at 11:11pm on 11/11/11...in what is going to feel like about 11 degrees!
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