Noise + Joy

Noise.  It's so hard for me to find quiet places lately.  My introverted self is not happy...whenever I finally do find somewhere that isn't noisy or filled with distractions, I almost always find a way to distract myself with my own thoughts or excuses for not focusing.

I know that life is not meant to be lived alone, and I enjoy being around people most of the time.  Probably I am feeling so dragged down because of trying to balance so much this semester, and while classes are done, there is a lot of uncertainty ahead that is still stressing me out.  On the outside, I have it all together and try to be all in to whatever I am doing in the moment.  But inside, I feel scattered, frustrated, and ready for change.  I should have no complaints about my life...i am so blessed and i take simple comforts for granted every day.  I have had so many great opportunities, some that I have actively made the most of, but others which i have allowed myself to be passive and settle, especially recently.  Maybe the heart of my problem is the separation between who i am and who i want to be.


I have a feeling this is going to be one of those impulsive posts that i look back on and wonder why i just spewed to a screen.  I know i'm being negative and whiny and self-centered. Well, this is just the way i am perceiving life right now-better to be honest and real in the moment than fake it, right?


Lately i've been feeling a dull sense of emptiness that I can't quite wrap my head around.  It's not overwhelming and i'm not depressed or anything, but i just feel like i'm waiting for something to happen.  I've repeatedly caught myself saying that everything going on in my life has been busy, but also really good.  No matter whether things are good or bad or somewhere in between, i'm starting to wonder if i'm experiencing a deficiency in joy.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. (Rom 12:12)

Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy are in his dwelling place. (1 Chr 16:27)

I'll stop with those for now, but there are tons of "joy" references in the Bible.  Especially during this Christmas season, it is a joyful time!  So my challenge to myself (and whoever may be reading this?) is to find more joy in the little things--I shouldn't have to look too hard because joy can be found in pretty much anything.

Instead of worrying, maybe I need to give my brain a rest and live more joyfully with my heart.  Maybe, i need to trust HIM unswervingly...not just when it's convenient or makes logical sense...but to trust him all the time with the little worries of my little life.  It's not about me, anyway.  I have a bad memory, but it shouldn't be that hard to remember that this whole life thing--is not about me at all.